Pages

Monday 1 April 2013

Depression

I have suffered from depression as far back as I can remember. I would like to give you some insight into my life dealing with depression.

In my case it would appear that I have genetically inherited this crippling illness. Several members of my family suffer from varying degrees of depression and a rather dysfunctional upbringing seems to have been a trigger.

I have decided to post about my illness in response to reading John Kirwan's book 'All Blacks Don't Cry' where he writes about his struggles. John Kirwan is a high profile former All Black who has championed the cause for educating people about what depression is. For someone who does not suffer from depression from the outside it would seem a sign of weakness and simply a matter of toughening up and dealing with it.

In my struggles I have tried the fighting and denial approach but nothing until now has worked. While reading John Kirwan's book I was filled with insight as I related his experiences to mine. I was also given hope for the future as I discovered strategies to help me deal with this illness!

Here are some quotes from his book:-

My Ugly Mate
'It's your brain running at a 100 miles an hour and you can't stop it. It's a locomotive out of control and there is no respite. It's your worst nightmare staying with you the whole time'.

'You need strong people around you who are very understanding because one of the negatives of depression is that it becomes very very personal and very very isolating. You feel low which is devastating for partners: you have nothing to give. It is a selfish illness because it's all time consuming, all energy consuming'.

Acceptance
'I had to come to grips with accepting - acknowledging that I was ill and find a way of living with it. The day I accepted I had this illness was the day I started getting better'.

'Stop denying what is and deal with it. Acknowledging that it's an illness, not a weakness and not something integral to your personality, is a big part of that'.

Reading John Kirwan's book has been a first step towards my dealing with something I have not been able to understand and finding hope for happiness in the future.

I highly recommend this book to anyone who struggles with what can be an illness that can bring despair and extreme anxiety. Here is a web site if you want to get some help with depression.

Here are the lyrics to a song I wrote 10 years ago that expresses some of these feelings. It's called 'Hard At Times'. I will ask Lea nicely whether she will record for me for a future post.

-->
Hard at Times
You cut yourself up bad
But it makes no odds it's sad
To think you've reached this low
That there's nowhere you can go

Chorus
It's so hard at times
When no answers you can find

You've bravely took a stand
Though painfully did land
When chopped down at the knees
Fall at increasing degrees

Chorus

Chorus Instrumental

Bridge
From a distant land soothing music plays the band
To you it gently calls 'there's peace for one and all'

They say they understand
As they preach their words so grand
But how could they know
All inside I dare not show

Chorus

Snap out of it you say
Can't seem to find a way
Might be easy for you
In truth I've tried to do

Chorus

Bridge





15 comments:

  1. Paul,

    I would like to think I understand depression so well. Just when I think I have it licked, it comes back with a force. What I don't understand is why I should sometimes feel that way when I have had such a good life. I think what really cured me of "going all the way" was when my good friend Alice went "all the way." When I saw the damage she did by taking her own life, and knew if she could have seen that, she would never had done what she did. When I feel myself "slipping", I get involved with an activity that I love. However, occasionally something happens (like last weekend) which will trigger my depression all over again. Thank God I've been able to pull away from it again this time. I know you know what I mean.

    Thank you for posting this.

    Ron
    Retired in Delaware

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks for your comment, Ron! I really get your questioning why depression should surface when you've had such a good life. Depression is not rational. I have lots of positives when I'm down rational thinking of the positives doesn't get me out of it.

      Delete
  2. it is good you have the outlet of your writing paul...and have a family around you as well as you walk through this...its hard...i do not deal with it personally, at least not chronically but i do have a few friends that do...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Brian
      My writing, running and family have certainly helped me deal with depression!

      Delete
  3. My husband has really struggled with depression (and other issues) ever since he had a brain tumour removed in the 90s. It's definitely a hidden disability, and yes, people who haven't experienced it just don't get it. It's not something you can simply snap out of or make up your mind to get over.

    Thanks for sharing this, and the book quotes too. I do believe there's more to fighting depression than just popping pills (which seems to be the standard American response).

    Hope the recovery continues well. :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Not a fan of pills due to the many side effects that causes it's own problems. Getting some professional help to help the recovery.

      Delete
  4. I've had extreme bouts of depression myself. I try to remember the good memories of childhood that surround myself and my Grandma. There are other things I wish never happened to me at the hands of people that were supposed to love and protect me (Long ugly hurtful story). But if I think about their actions I will slip into that dark place and give them power over me once more. I try so very hard "not to go there"... but it happens from time to time.. You are wise to seek answers.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Becky for sharing your experiences! It is easy to slip into that dark place and finding strategies that help prevent that is the challenge. I am actively seeking answers!

      Delete
  5. A lot of us think we have depression but usually it's just a downer of a day. In actual fact we know nothing. I hope that the discovery of John Kirwan's book helped you, Paul, and that you will continue to write your songs. I am sure that is a positive outlet for you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Valerie for your comment! I love writing and it is a great release for me! J K's book is fabulous!

      Delete
  6. It is very good and shows a lot of courage and strength of you to write about your illness the way you do, and your entire approach to life - your running, cycling, music and teaching - show that you CAN deal with it and even encourage other sufferers.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks for your comment! Keeping myself involved in activities i enjoy has helped me cope day to day better!

      Delete
  7. I'm sorry to hear that you suffer from depression Paul. I think it is more common than people think. I bet your running goes a long way to helping you with this. I did have have a wee problem with post natal depression which wasn't very pleasant.
    Hope your accident recovery is going well - and that you are resting up like you should be :))

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. My depression has been a real struggle at times but am getting help. Lea is making sure I rest up : - } Thanks for your comment, Ellie!

      Delete
  8. Paul, I understand more than what you realise. Although I only suffer from very mild depression from time to time, my sister is Bi-polar and I know exactly what depression is about.

    ReplyDelete